Inspired by my search for gymnastics-inspired birthday cakes last week, I have begun compiling a file on the Ridunculous Gymnastics Paraphernalia I come across. And please - if you see something out there, drop me a comment and I'll post it. I love this kind of crap.
Barbie I Can Be: Gymnastics Coach
Ok, in theory, this is a cool toy. It's Barbie, it's gymnastics related, and it promotes the involvement of little girls in coaching. I'm on board.
However. It's going to be hard to build cred as a coach if a young woman comes to her first class and begins choreographing intricate hoop routines on the beam.
Do toymakers do absolutely no research, or did they just Google "gymnastics" and grab the first few images that came up as inspiration? It appears our tiny blond dreamer also comes equipped with a maraca/hairbrush, a drink cooler and...I guess that's a springboard? Aye aye aye.
While I'm picking on Barbie...
Barbie Supergirl Gymnast Playset
I think grown up Barbie was coached by the same dame that ruined the kid in the last example, because she is ROCKING a pair of hoops on her 1/3 length balance beam. She can bend her knees, which is nice, but she's going to lose major pointage for toe-point. Also, toots, the nineties called and they want their bangs back.
As if that weren't enough...
Ok, I'll admit - I actually had one of these for a minute. I left it in the package, under the delusion that it would someday be valuable, until I could no longer stand it and opened it when I was FAR too old to be playing with it. But I just HAD to make it do walkovers. I HAD to.
It would seem I was unfazed by the festive pants-and-shirt combo Barbie is rocking under her event-branded leo. I didn't mind the scrunched socks, or the incredibly accurate sneakers that all gymnasts wear for maximum artistry. And don't get me started on Barbie's toepoint. NON-EXISTENT.
Bratz Play Sportz Rhythmic Gymnastics
As it so happens, I find anything "Bratz" to be absolutely appalling. I detest the entire line. But now they've crossed a line. They've put one of their atrocities on the competition floor and infiltrated our beloved gymnastics world, and this will not do.
Meet "Sasha," of the overinflated lips and the unkempt hair. Oh, yeah - and the knee-high boots. I'm sure they're regulation. I will give Sasha props in one area, though - at least she knows what gymnastics discipline she's involved in and has accessorized herself accordingly. I don't see any vaulting tables for her to throw her ball or clubs at.
Purple Gymnastic Outfit
That sounds harmless enough, right? Maybe we don't know what a "gymnastic outfit" is supposed to be (a leo? A warm-up?), but it sounds alright.
And then I clicked on it. Something looked off, and I began to suspect...I'm sorry, I need a minute...
I began to suspect that it might be for a pet. A dog, most likely, as people seem to like to put their canine friends into ridiculous attire. As I scrolled down, with no real indication other than the weird proportions of the clothing, my worst fears were confirmed in one tiny sentence:
"All of the outfits come complete with a tail hole to fit the animals tail through."
It turns out, this is worse than I thought. It's not even for a real dog. It's for some kind of creepy stuffed-animal building fetishist cult. I need a drink.
Gymnastics Adult Long Sleeve Shirt
This is the ideal gift for that mom who loves skirted denim overalls with apples embroidered on them, but also loves her gymnast.
Seriously, folks - ew. Do not do this. Ever. I will have Stacy and Clinton at your house so fast your head will spin. The shirt is not only a horrid eyesore, it's also kind of disgusting. Look how stiff those leotards are. Perhaps it's time for a wash cycle?
This shirt is a visual reference to everything that's wrong with gymnastics right now - a hodgepodge of gymnastics images throw together with no regard to aesthetics.
Okay now THIS I kind of love. If I ever get my ass around to signing up for that adult gymnastics class at Little FiFo's gym, I am buying this and wearing it with pride.
To be clear, folks, all this crap is JUST what I found on Amazon. I've come across some pretty special things whilst perusing the interwebs, and I assure you, greater atrocities are out there. I will likely post some of them eventually. Until then, sleep well and dream of large DTYs.