I, for one, am flattered.

So like a huge lame ass, I checked my stats today, just to see if anyone reads this garbage when I'm not updating frequently. And two people had linked from one Ms. Vanessa Atler's new blog, From Gymnast to Coach. Naturally I went virtually flying over there to see if she had mentioned my blog or something, and I found that she has it on her blog roll.


Vanessa Atler is aware of my shitty blog.


So I'm thinking--it's about time for a new Know a Coach segment, no? Maybe I keep the recent trend and cover a female coach? I think people are interested in Atler and her post-elite life. 


You don't have to say anything. I know I'm super lamesauce and gymstruck. I own it.

Shannon Miller takes her story to Fox

At 11:20 a.m. on Friday, March 4, Shannon Miller will deliver "a special message" on Fox News Live online.

Gross.

I mean, don't get me wrong--I'm guessing it's about her cancer scare, and I think it's great that she's educating women. But does she have to remind me that she's a big 'ole Republican? Can we not just overlook that part of her life?

Yeah, I just got all political on your asses. I detest Fox News. 

An open letter to Universal Sports

Dear Universal Sports,

Precious. Please--sit down. We need to talk.

Would you like a Coke? Or Pepsi? Can I get you a tampon? Who's sponsoring this one? I'll make that product placement happen. Anything to get you to sit and quietly listen for a moment.

Today was the WAG team final of the World Championships in Rotterdam. I'm sure you're vaguely aware of this, right? Remember? You charged $14.99 to let us watch it, despite your previously free coverage?

It was a terrific meet. There were high-flying skills. There were falls. There were beautifully stuck landings. There was buffering...buffering...buffering...

What's that? Buffering? Didn't things stop "buffering" around 2006? I don't remember "buffering" when I was watching your free coverage a year ago. Or last March during the American Cup. Or during Classic in July. Thinking back...nope, definitely no "buffering."

And come on, Uni. Can I call you Uni? Seriously, Uni--buffering during the RUSSIANS' BARS ROUTINES? You BUFFERED while Tatiana Nabieva was throwing a toe-on laid out Tkatchev? Do you hate us?

I have serious suspicions that the pause in the rhythm of your coverage actually caused her fall. After all, she froze mid-flight on my computer screen--no way she could have come back from that.

So buffering. In 2010. Seriously.

On top of that, let's discuss the major dearth of routines being shown throughout. I understand that there were scoring issues. But dude--Uni--I don't remember ever having to sit and watch so much pacing and jacket-putting-on in my life. I hear floor music in the background, but all I see is Huang Qiushang biting her hangnail. What were the judges waiting on--your stream to catch up?

Not cool, bro. Not cool at all.

In conclusion, Uni, you dropped the ball. And not the rhythmic kind, either. My guess is that if it were the rhythmic kind, you'd freeze it midair and wait for the gymnast to lose patience and walk off the floor before dropping it in a fit of passionate buffering. You owe the viewers an apology, because after suckering us in to forking over our hard earned money for coverage that you used to offer for free, your coverage SUCKED. It SUCKED ASS.

In a minute, I'm going to hit "publish post," and this letter will forever have a home in cyberspace. It will travel there without delay, without "buffering"...because that's what the internet can do in the year 2010.


Disappointed and broke,

FIFO

Inside Gymnastics thinks we're all just swell.

According to Inside Gymnastics' Power 25 Preview, you and I (the fans!) are the tenth most powerful force in gymnastics. The athletes and HBsIC all tune in to see what riveting insight and snark we will provide, on message boards, blogs, and Youtube comments.


Oh, really...


Well. In that case, I have a few things to say.

An Open Letter to the Powers that Be in Gymnastics

Dear Nastia,

I thought for sure that Shawn's announcement and subsequent training would be enough to push you back into the gym. You said 2012 was important to you, but I'm sensing a falsehood has been told. It's okay if you're done--it really is. Just stop toying with my emotions. If you're fine with Shawn becoming the best bar worker* we have in the States, then I am, too.

Dear Shawn,

I hear your training is going well. Do not get hurt. Do not let Martha break you. Do not forget that it's okay to ease back into competing with only a few events ready, a la Alicia at Classic. I'm excited to see you back (next year, perhaps?). But if you change your mind, I'm coming to Iowa and locking you in the gym with cornstalks. You've been forewarned.

Dear Martha,

Stop breaking gymnasts. I love the idea of the girls going to camps and training together, but for crying out loud, stop crippling them. You've got a brilliant strategic mind, and yours and Bela's knowledge is legendary, but I am sick to death of reports coming out of camp of more broken elites. Back off. If you break Raisman or Weiber, I will be forced to declare Thumb War on you, and I have ridiculously large hands for an average size female.

Dear Bruno,

*sigh*

Dear Steve,

Make Martha stop breaking gymnasts. Go to a camp and observe. Offer me a job as a telecommuting writer. Technical writing, press releases, you name it--I'm on it. Seriously. I have two semesters left until I earn my degree. Let's talk.

*wipes glaring pathetic shame from face, moves on*

Dear Universal Sports,

I love you. I do. You've given me live gymnastics from the convenience of my computer, making quick-hit blogging possible and convenient. I'd like to propose that you add more coverage. Send someone to Pac Rims in the spring, and be not afraid of broadcasting the junior competitions, as well. Trust me--the people who are tuning in to watch gymnastics on Universal Sports are not casual, unknowledgeable viewers. It's the diehards, the ones who will absolutely sit online all day to watch both the junior AND senior competitions. Give us both, and we'll spend more time on your website. Crunch some numbers. Make some calls. You can make this work.

Also, if you're hiring next year...


Okay, at this point, my kid is asking for me to love and appreciate her, so I'm gonna bounce. Feel free to provide your own Open Letters, which Inside Gymnastics assures us will be read, in the comments section.

*runs off to pretend puzzles are fun*

*That's not a knock on Shawn--I think her bars are quite nice, actually. Not crazy dynamic, but definitely clean.

Hey! Look who noticed me!

Click here and look at the line on the bottom of the profile.


That's ME! I am having such a Sally Field moment here.


Yeah, okay, FINE. I totally Googled myself. And WOGA totally added my Valeri profile to his bio. I am such a dorky fangirl.

I really dropped the ball on the old "Know a Coach" segment. I loved doing it, and I had big plans, but I am also very, very lazy, and opted not to stick to those plans. This has inspired me, though. I am going to do a new write-up next week, while I'm on vacation. I've done write-ups on Valeri and Marvin...how about a woman? Mary Lee? Armine? Kelly? Kim Z?

Feel free to drop suggestions in the comments. I want to stick to American coaches first, but if there's someone you'd like a comprehensive bio written on, let me know.

Ridunculous Gymnastics Paraphernalia

Inspired by my search for gymnastics-inspired birthday cakes last week, I have begun compiling a file on the Ridunculous Gymnastics Paraphernalia I come across. And please - if you see something out there, drop me a comment and I'll post it. I love this kind of crap.


Barbie I Can Be: Gymnastics Coach

Ok, in theory, this is a cool toy. It's Barbie, it's gymnastics related, and it promotes the involvement of little girls in coaching. I'm on board.

However. It's going to be hard to build cred as a coach if a young woman comes to her first class and begins choreographing intricate hoop routines on the beam.

Do toymakers do absolutely no research, or did they just Google "gymnastics" and grab the first few images that came up as inspiration? It appears our tiny blond dreamer also comes equipped with a maraca/hairbrush, a drink cooler and...I guess that's a springboard? Aye aye aye.

While I'm picking on Barbie...

Barbie Supergirl Gymnast Playset

I think grown up Barbie was coached by the same dame that ruined the kid in the last example, because she is ROCKING a pair of hoops on her 1/3 length balance beam. She can bend her knees, which is nice, but she's going to lose major pointage for toe-point. Also, toots, the nineties called and they want their bangs back.

As if that weren't enough...

Olympic Gymnast Barbie Doll - Atlanta 1996 Olympic Games

Ok, I'll admit - I actually had one of these for a minute. I left it in the package, under the delusion that it would someday be valuable, until I could no longer stand it and opened it when I was FAR too old to be playing with it. But I just HAD to make it do walkovers. I HAD to.

It would seem I was unfazed by the festive pants-and-shirt combo Barbie is rocking under her event-branded leo. I didn't mind the scrunched socks, or the incredibly accurate sneakers that all gymnasts wear for maximum artistry. And don't get me started on Barbie's toepoint. NON-EXISTENT.


Bratz Play Sportz Rhythmic Gymnastics

As it so happens, I find anything "Bratz" to be absolutely appalling. I detest the entire line. But now they've crossed a line. They've put one of their atrocities on the competition floor and infiltrated our beloved gymnastics world, and this will not do.

Meet "Sasha," of the overinflated lips and the unkempt hair. Oh, yeah - and the knee-high boots. I'm sure they're regulation. I will give Sasha props in one area, though - at least she knows what gymnastics discipline she's involved in and has accessorized herself accordingly. I don't see any vaulting tables for her to throw her ball or clubs at.


Purple Gymnastic Outfit

That sounds harmless enough, right? Maybe we don't know what a "gymnastic outfit" is supposed to be (a leo? A warm-up?), but it sounds alright.

And then I clicked on it. Something looked off, and I began to suspect...I'm sorry, I need a minute...

I began to suspect that it might be for a pet. A dog, most likely, as people seem to like to put their canine friends into ridiculous attire. As I scrolled down, with no real indication other than the weird proportions of the clothing, my worst fears were confirmed in one tiny sentence:

"All of the outfits come complete with a tail hole to fit the animals tail through."

*GASP*

It turns out, this is worse than I thought. It's not even for a real dog. It's for some kind of creepy stuffed-animal building fetishist cult. I need a drink.


Gymnastics Adult Long Sleeve Shirt

This is the ideal gift for that mom who loves skirted denim overalls with apples embroidered on them, but also loves her gymnast.

Seriously, folks - ew. Do not do this. Ever. I will have Stacy and Clinton at your house so fast your head will spin. The shirt is not only a horrid eyesore, it's also kind of disgusting. Look how stiff those leotards are. Perhaps it's time for a wash cycle?

This shirt is a visual reference to everything that's wrong with gymnastics right now - a hodgepodge of gymnastics images throw together with no regard to aesthetics.

T-shirt with walking, sport, gymnastics, beam, bird

Really?

Really?


Okay now THIS I kind of love. If I ever get my ass around to signing up for that adult gymnastics class at Little FiFo's gym, I am buying this and wearing it with pride.


To be clear, folks, all this crap is JUST what I found on Amazon. I've come across some pretty special things whilst perusing the interwebs, and I assure you, greater atrocities are out there. I will likely post some of them eventually. Until then, sleep well and dream of large DTYs.

Birthday party, Gym Style

So when FiFo turns seven...in seven months...I am planning to throw her a gymnastics party. Her gym does parties and all that jazz, so we'll likely do it there.

Even though it is so far in advance it's laughable, I got inspired to start some initial planning this evening. Because I am a huge fan of cake, I decided to start there. I found some decent little designs - sheet cakes with pudgy, cartoonish gymnasts emblazoned across the front, cherubic plastic figurines with bad form, and even one that looks like white Shrek. What I really want is one of those fierce Ace of Cakes creations, but since it's likely not in the old budget, I'm trying to find a happy medium.

What I discovered, instead, is that if I DO decide to order a custom cake, I'm going to have a few strict guidelines. Those same guidelines will apply to the decor and accessories, as well.

1.) The gymnast(s) being depicted MUST point their toes. The number of professional cakes I came across with flexed-footed gymnasts depicted in ugly positions made me cringe. If you're going to do it, do it right, assholes!

2.) My gymnast will not appear to be riding a surfboard.

3.) Female cake gymnasts will not compete on the rings or the flying trapeze.

4.) I want this image made into a cake for MY next birthday. I'll be 29 in January, so start saving your pennies, folks.

5.) I will not allow my cake gymnast to mount the beam using steps. Can we get a sister a springboard?

6.) Cake gymnast will not compete in the new fusion event: Balance Bar.


Is it too much to ask that the bakers do a little research? Maybe I'm just too emotionally involved. My first clue was when I found myself cringing at the cake-and-plastic gymnasts' form errors.

Whatevs. I did find some cute cakes, but they need some tweaks. I like this one - it just needs more toe point and less crotch width. Though I bet she has a lovely swing down...Also, everyone knows that their numbers go on their BACKS. Ask Hollie Vise. Ooh, that's what I want - a 3-dimensional figure in a needle scale on beam. That would be EPIC.