I love a good bitch face. Nothing finishes off a bar set or a floor routine like a good old fashioned "I will effing cut your ass" look tossed at the competition. Rather than mock the look of death, we instead use this time to embrace - nay, to celebrate - Ultimate Bitch Faces in Gymnastics.
Elena Produnova
She shaved. A section. Of her EYEBROW. She is scary, and hard, and I love it. And that's where her Bitchface truly becomes her own - it's meant to inspire fear. Excellent.
"What now, hoes? WHAT NOW!? YOU WANT A PIECE?"
"My eyebrow, you say? I buried it with the body of the last little pixie who thought she had a more solid beam routine than me."
Svetlana Boguinskaya
Boguinskaya scared the crap out of me before I understood the loveliness of her gymnastics. I was convinced that she was going to pick up Shannon Miller or Kerri Strug or some equally tiny gymnast and just eat her if she got in the way. Her Bitchface always carried an intensity. She seemed to look right through people, uninterested and in no mood to eff around. It's truly a thing of beauty.
"What it matters? Competition no can start until I am ready to go! Judges salute to ME!"
Svetlana Khorkina
The strength of Khorkina's Bitchface lies in her originality. Sveta uses her face to express any and every emotion - joy, contempt, disbelief, anger, pride, etc. No one used their face to full effect the way Khorkina did.
"Bullsheet. I von. Who zee hell is Carla Pattinson?"
"Fall off zee bars? Quveen Sveta does not fall off zee bars! Quveen Zveta is zee uneven bars...vell...QUVEEN!"
Nastia Liukin
I actually feel like Nastia is probably a really nice chick. But if looks could kill - even unintentionally - there'd be no one left for her to compete against. Where Nastia stands apart from her competition is in sheer variety. There are too many FANTASMAGORIC shots of her impeccable Bitchface to choose only one. So I didn't.
"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Bitch is SO getting sliced tonight..."
"Bring it, Tweddle."
"Of COURSE the silver medal is an honor! Why would the silver medal be anything but a FUCKING honor? Shawn is a delight. We're all SO glad to have her as a senior. Right, Chells? Right?"
Chellsie: "Mmmm-hmm..."
"Just remember who won the All Around, 'kay, short shit?"
These are the things that make gymnastics such a magical experience for me as a viewer. Sometimes, it's all in the details.
1.) Thoroughly, and consistently, pointed toes. Especially during release moves.
There is nothing that kills a great bars routine for me - other than an ugly fall - like flexed feet. But even if the gymnast does a decent job most of the time but flexes in a release move, the spell is broken for me. The aesthetics have been marred. If I were a judge, I would probably kill routines on lousy toe point.
I'm supposed to be listing the things I love, and I've veered off into annoyances. That's another post for another day. Anywho...I love pointy toes.
2.) A few months ago on IG, someone mentioned that they hated squeaky uneven bars. I kind of love them.
I love the satisfying creak as a gymnast builds up power or transitions. I love the slap of their hands grabbing the bar after a transition from low to high. I love the "thud" on the beam during a full-length tumbling pass. I love landings that look light but sound finished. I want to see a cloud of chalk dust billow up in a slow-mo replay of a great pass on floor or a vault that's stuck cold.
I just get so much satisfaction from the sensation of the equipment doing its part. It's gritty. It has texture. It lets the blood, sweat and tears of training trickle into the aesthetic perfection of a finished product.
I can't find a good example of the creaky bars, but if someone has one, please let me know!
3.) Beam passes with four connected elements.
I get that these might not be especially valuable anymore, or might post more risk than they're worth, but I really love a tumbling pass on beam that has the viewer wondering if the gymnast has enough room. It gets me every time.
4.) Floor routines that are choreographed to the music - not just the code.
I hate how the music on floor has really become just background noise. Routines rarely seem to have been designed with the music in mind, and that's a real shame. Dancers could never get away with this, and I hate that, as long as they can throw a few big skills, gymnasts can. It should be a true performance, not a labored instance of going through the motions. A floor routine should ALWAYS be very "Look at me!" And if the music is treated as a simple accessory, that idea is really lost.
I was never a massive Moceanu fan, but her floor routine in '96 was perfect for her. It suited her personality, her skill level and it all WORKED. Everything about it was a performance. Even for those who prefer a more classical floor set, it's hard to argue that her routine didn't match the music.
Khorkina is another one who really, genuinely knew how to perform, and every routine was a chance to play to the crowd. Her floor routines were always carefully crafted. Lilia, too. She was magical on floor, partly because her routines respected the music.
Wow. I could keep going on this one, because I think if we get back into the eighties and seventies, I'll just keep naming people with great floor routines.
I love it. It's such a contrast to the sleek, refined look of gymnastics. It reminds us that this is, in fact, a SPORT, and there is necessary equipment. They make it seem like the gymnast is READY. Like she's prepared her mind and body and she's GOT this. I just love it.
When I see gymnasts chalking up, I always want to, too. I love the smell of chalk, and the way it bursts into the air and fills the space. Chalk is amazing.
8.) Effortlessly stuck landings.
There's nothing more satisfying than a dismount that flies followed by an easy, (mostly) chest-up landing. Even a mediocre routine seems somewhat sensational when the landing owns. But a stellar routine loses something when the landing is not perfect.
I love Nastia Liukin's legs (mind out of the gutter, folks), and I know it bothers a lot of people how they almost look like they bow forward, but I LOVE it. I love the tension in a slight hyperextension. And I love a split that goes above and beyond the call of duty. It looks like true commitment to me. This is likely why I've always liked Nastia so much - she has the aesthetic qualities I love.
I love balletic hand positions. I hate awkward monster fingers. Hands should look soft on beam and floor, and always in saluting the judges. Basically I appreciate it when a gymnast remembers that she HAS hands and feet and opts to do something with them rather than leave them by the wayside as she chucks another ugly ass skill.
