Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Fiercest Bitchfaces

I love a good bitch face. Nothing finishes off a bar set or a floor routine like a good old fashioned "I will effing cut your ass" look tossed at the competition. Rather than mock the look of death, we instead use this time to embrace - nay, to celebrate - Ultimate Bitch Faces in Gymnastics.

Elena Produnova

She shaved. A section. Of her EYEBROW. She is scary, and hard, and I love it. And that's where her Bitchface truly becomes her own - it's meant to inspire fear. Excellent.

"What now, hoes? WHAT NOW!? YOU WANT A PIECE?"

"My eyebrow, you say? I buried it with the body of the last little pixie who thought she had a more solid beam routine than me."

Svetlana Boguinskaya

Boguinskaya scared the crap out of me before I understood the loveliness of her gymnastics. I was convinced that she was going to pick up Shannon Miller or Kerri Strug or some equally tiny gymnast and just eat her if she got in the way. Her Bitchface always carried an intensity. She seemed to look right through people, uninterested and in no mood to eff around. It's truly a thing of beauty.

"What it matters? Competition no can start until I am ready to go! Judges salute to ME!"

Svetlana Khorkina

The strength of Khorkina's Bitchface lies in her originality. Sveta uses her face to express any and every emotion - joy, contempt, disbelief, anger, pride, etc. No one used their face to full effect the way Khorkina did.

"Bullsheet. I von. Who zee hell is Carla Pattinson?"

"Fall off zee bars? Quveen Sveta does not fall off zee bars! Quveen Zveta is zee uneven bars...vell...QUVEEN!"

Nastia Liukin

I actually feel like Nastia is probably a really nice chick. But if looks could kill - even unintentionally - there'd be no one left for her to compete against. Where Nastia stands apart from her competition is in sheer variety. There are too many FANTASMAGORIC shots of her impeccable Bitchface to choose only one. So I didn't.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me. Bitch is SO getting sliced tonight..."

"Bring it, Tweddle."

"Of COURSE the silver medal is an honor! Why would the silver medal be anything but a FUCKING honor? Shawn is a delight. We're all SO glad to have her as a senior. Right, Chells? Right?"

Chellsie: "Mmmm-hmm..."

"Just remember who won the All Around, 'kay, short shit?"


  1. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OMG, these were fucking brilliant! Interesting, though, that Soviet/Russian gymnasts--and Nastia is a Fierce Kommie Bitch (tm Aunt Joyce) at heart--seem to be the primary bringers of bitchface. Now I'm going to have to put on my thinking cap and see if there are gymnasts from other countries that do bitchface as well as--or at all, for that matter--the Soviets/Russians...

  2. Yes, by all means, bring me more bitchfaces! These are just the ones I could think of easily. I'd LOVE to do a sequel.

  3. Ohhhhhhh...I just remembered a non-Soviet/Russian gymnast with an impressive bitchface: Catalina Ponor! I'm not sure how to post pics in the comments, but here's a good example of how a Romanian works the bitchface:

  4. Ah, yes - a Romanian who looks less stoic than downright pissed off. Nicely done.

  5. Hilarious.

    Not really on topic, but in case you haven't read it, you scored a shoutout on a comment on the Couch Gymnast in her "Sane Parenting" post. Thought you might appreciate it.
    Hmm... I cant post the link for some reason. I'm sure you'll see it.

  6. Wow - thanks! I'll mosey on over and check that out.

  7. That was hilarious! I can't wait the gymnastics season to start so you resume your normal blogging!

    Cheers from Mexico

  8. Thanks! I know I've been a slacker - I just have not been inspired whatsoever. There is no real news coming out, and I'm bored with what's going on right now. I had a few things in the works I never finished. I really should get back to those.

  9. It only seemed right to share this here with you oh purveyor of the gymnast bitch face.